manaseedofdeath

Alright, probably not a lot of people read what I have to write, but oh well I write anyways. We got our Midterm grades back today and I'm not too disappointed in them, though I know I can do better. I got 2 A's, 3 B's, and 2 C's. As of right now C's are unacceptable in my book and I need to bring them up. B's are starting to look that way to me too. I want to strive for all A's especially since I'm going pre-med, it's expected, but for now they're alright. But I assure you by the end of the semester I'll have straight A's or damn well near them.

I felt pretty busy today I had a lot to do for zoology, which I didn't finish, Math, and English which was barely started... I need to manage time better and not leave my dorm till I finish all my work for the day. I have 2 tests tomorrow. One in Zoology and one in Math. I hope I do well on both of them. They're my C's. I didn't go to my Zoology Lab today because I just couldn't handle it. i was extremely hungry and extremely tired and I didn't think I would make it through the class.

I've been thinking about later on in life and I'm hoping that I make it as a doctor because I don't know what else I would do... I'm thinking of double majoring in something maybe like business, but I doubt that. Something though as a fall back plan..

I need to go to sleep because I'm monstrously tired and I have to get up in the morning at 8 to have breakfast with meahgan, then a day of tests.

I hope everyone has a good day today!!

6 HOURS AND 39 MINUTES UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT!!!!!!

7 HOURS AND 38 MINUTES LEFT UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT!!

Soo I'm pretty dead tired right about now because I stayed up all night... I figured that'd be easier especially when I wasn't finished packing till like 4 lol. Well I'm going to Gatlinburg FINALLY! I hope we do well in the competition and i'll take lots of pictures ^_^ About to be on a bus for 14 hours... that's going to be grand lol. well I gots to be going because it's almost time for me to be leaving. See ya guys monday!!! Wish us luck!!! OH YEAH!!!! STEPHANIE!!!!! We're boobs! boobX2=Boobies!!!!!!!!!!

     Ok so I'm extremely happy, yet mad at the same time. Everything is going pretty good I suppose. I've been listening to Coldplay lately again and it brings back a lot of nostalgic moments. I don't know if I used nostalgic in the right context, but oh well. I don't really know what else to say I'm not going into details of why I'm still kind of mad and I don't feel like saying why I'm happy either. What I will say is I got a good grade on my Geometry Test for once. I actually got a 73% as opposed to my usual 45%. Getting stressed out becuase of my dad lately. I'm going to seriously buckle down a lot this quarter to try and make straight A's and B's. Yeah like that'll happen...

kind of been feeling weird lately... I kind of wanna talk to someone about it, but there's not really anyone there to talk to and I don't even know if I can explain it... major suckage... I might actually post something worth reading later on or tomorrow.

though things have been pretty grand lately idk

       So I went with Michelle tonight to the Healthcare Career Club tonihgt and it was Plastic Surgery, which we were thankful for because it was supposed to be Pharmacuetics(however you spell that) bleh. So he told us a lot of stuff that makes me nervous... He told us that we'll miss out on a lot of our 20s and that we'll lose contacts with most of our friends... unless they're physicians and people like that, but pretty much old friends from like HS or something you usually end up losing contact with them. That idea doesn't sit well with me because I love my friends and they are usually top priority for me, which can be bad in some ways, but yeah. Thanks for talking to me Steph you made me feel better. Now more than ever I want to get my act straightened with school. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get through with medical.^_^ I think I can do it. Next year I'll probably try and do that internship that they offer at RHS and work at a hospital or something and I need to go see the career advisor lady to get some job shadowing set up. Well I'm going to go finish my Anatomy and other school work. Thanks again Steph you're the greatest ^_^ mucho appreciated.

So everything is fixed... for the most part...

On another note stressing about college still... I've been second guessing FDU and more along the lines of UCF, but idk. I need to start really focusing on my school work and stuff because I'm getting into medical no matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't think I'll make it that's your problem I'll prove you otherwise. People don't understand how important this is to me. Like how much of a dream this is that I wanna pursue. I just need to get my act together in school and work harder. Well I gotta go get ready for work mihgt make an entry later, but I doubt it.



I GOT THE GREY'S ANATOMY SOUNDTRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Sooo my weekend was pretty good. Friday I went on a crapass date... good to report that there won't be a second because she really isn't my type. Saturday I was working 10am-6pm and I got off went home and an hour later Michelle picked me up and we first stopped at BK so I could get some dinner and then to Liz's hose and watched 40 Year Old Virgin and hungout. It was pretty damn fun. Yesterday I woke up and I was like hmm I wanna go out for breakfast so I called Liz up and asked her if she wanted to go to breakfast with me and so we walked to Peaches and had breakfast. We also went to Petsmart next door and pet the animals. Then we chilled at her house and I went home at about 4:30 and I started cleaning. I realized I was out of a razor so I walked up to Publix and bought myself a new razor and a sub for dinner while I was there. I walked home ate my sub and then relaxed for the rest of the night.

         I did some thinking this weekend and I came to some self realizations and I need to get some things out and I need to tell some people some things.

       Wow so I talked to chris tonight and I feel a hell of a lot better about everything. I tlaked with him and he really helped me so thanks chris I appreciate it.

        So I've been trying exceptionally hard not to complain so much anymore because people don't like it and what's the point it's not like people care or anything... I don't need fake sympathy. So idk lately I've been in such a weird mood. One minute I'm up then I'm down and then later I'll be up again. Yeah I've been thinking about everything that's been happening in my life this past like month or 2. I've been thinking about all the stuff that's gone on. Even though I shouldn't I'm thinking about stuff I supposed I should forget, but it's hard you know... Lately I've been feeling down... and I'm taking it out on myself... like I feel like I've been being a horrible friend to you Scott... I mean I know in a lot of ways I've been a really good friend, but I feel like I've been being a bad one also. I feel like I'm letting people down or something. I feel like I'm not really wanted anymore. That's probably not true and I'm over thinking like usual, but it's what's in my head and my heart and it's how I feel. I'm sorry if that makes some people mad I really am. I feel like I've hurt some of my friends and I'm trully sorry for that no lies. I just need that supportive person I can talk to... like I used to be able to do... I mean I don't understand I mean I can be really happy, but then all of a sudden I think about this crap and I become really unhappy and start to hate myself more and more. I talked to James about this and I told him that I'm just paranoid and I overthink things way too much. He agrees that I really do overthink stuff and it's bad because overthinking just makes it worse...

           On top of all this I've been really stressing over college... like I don't think anyone can understand how badly I want to go into a medical profession... it's become like my dream. I mean I know my grades aren't the best and it's going to be hard for me to get into it, but you know I feel like if I try really hard I could do it. My dad kind of upset me tuesday because he was like if you go into medical then I will help you as much as possible with money and stuff for college, but if not then forget I'm not helping you... I was kind of upset at that, but he really trully believes I can do it... I mean I think he's the ONLY person other than me who thinks I can do it... idk I think it would be more comforting if I had more people that were supportive about it. Oh well though I belive I can do it so I'm sticking to it. ^_^

 

I'm going to try and make this one of my last bitchy/whiny/complaining entries.

EDIT: Ok I wrote I don't really feel like I'm wanted anymore... but that's not true I know I'm wanted by some people, but it's just that's how I'm feeling right now... I know I have friends that want me around and that care for me... you know who you are that I'm talking about cause there's a couple of you out there and I just wanted to say thank you very much. You mean a lot to me ^_^

   Alright this is getting fucking ridiculous. Ashley stop fucking blaming me for the shit tht happened. I told both you and Scott that I don't care if you were around so don't blame that shit on me. It was YOUR choice to seperate your self not mine. So stop giving this fucking bullshit excuse saying "I was trying to make Strato happy". I didn't give a shit I told you that and I told Scott that. So stop fucking putting the blame on me cause you're really starting to piss me off. Why don't you put the blame on someone else for a change instead of fucking pointing the finger at me because I'm sick of it.

So yes I lied to you when you asked me if I was ok... I'm sorry that just wasn't the place I wanted to discuss it and I don't really want to discuss it because you'll most likely get angry and that's not really something I want/need right now. Sorry if I needed to "cheer up" I'm just kind of a little pissed off... don't be mad at me for this... you probably most likely will be... but I hope you won't...

Wow I forgot what it's like to be this happy and relieved lol seriously. Everything is fixed and good and yah. I've been pretty dang happy. Contimplating on if I should give this one thing a chance or not, but idk I suppose I'll get some insight before doing so. ^_^ Omg I forgot how happy listening to Coldplay makes me feel. It puts me into a new high I looove it. I've come to the conclusion that I just need to hook up with someone XD not in that kind of way, but I mean jesus christ can you say sexual frustration XDDD
I know Rebecca can!!!!!! God I'm soo hyper right now!! That's something I haven't been in months. OMG also I totally have the digital camera in my posession!!!!! Strato shall have some fun. Hopefully things stay good.

Sooooo the body exhibit was freaking kick ass!!!!! I actually touched one of the bodies. (even though I wasn't supposed to) I was with Scott, Michelle, Liz, and Jeanette pretty much the whole time. Mostly Scott and Michelle and it was really fun. I had an awesome time. I wanna go back at least one more time before they leave, but I doubt that'll happen. I got home and slept a lot and went on the computer. Then I started reading my conversations on my phone from aim about what's been happening these past couple of weeks. Idk I'm not really too upset about anything at this point. Suprisingly I'm pretty happy and I have no idea why. Oh well I ain't complaining. ^_^

So work was ok... it was dead the whole day. The maximum amount of cars I saw in the parking lot all day had to of been 6. So the whole store was clean at like 7:30 and I was like wtf I don't need to be here, but my boss wouldn't let me get off early. So instead for the remaining 2 hours I rode around on a scooter and talked to Anita (cool cashier lady). I love getting paid to do absolutely nothing and what's awesome is we're now staying open until March 26th which let's us still have time together and more time to find a second job. Went to Subway with Scott on break and I realized I didn't have enough so he was nice enough to pay for me. thank you. Then we chillaxed. So yeah I'm definitely getting that metal dance pad ^_^ and I might just get this other one too that's cheaper but'll let me have 2 dance pads. lol Anita and I hid the DDR games so I could buy those too on friday because all I have is Extreme. YAY BODY EXHIBIT TODAY!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!! I GET TO SEE DEAD BODIES!!! god I'm such a freak XD.

      Well Scott and I worked things out and I'm not really mad at him anymore. I actually ended up spending the night at his house last night. We spent a big sum of time playing the sims night life. Yesterday and today with some minor details have been really great. I'm having the time of my life at work it sucks though since we're closing down in feb. :( It makes me really sad because I'm going to miss lots of people. I was having a blast yesterday at work playing with scooters riding our power wheels corvette talking with the employees. It has just been a good time indeed. I look forward to going to work more than usual now. Not really much going on right now. I think I might start my diet with this next paycheck after I buy a metal dance pad.

       I don't know what's going on, but it's up to you to do something about it. I've tried, but you won't talk to me I mean you barely even give me eye contact. I'm here for you for anything that's going on, but it's your choice. My helping hand will always be there for you no matter what... it's just a matter if you're willing to except it and actually let me help you. I still wanna be able to talk and hangout with you, but truthfully I don't think you feel the same anymore which is pretty sad, but you know I can't force you to talk to me or hangout with me. I'm not turning my back on you no matter what though so if you wanna push me away that's your choice, but I'm always here for you if you need anything...

 

On another note guess what Strato has to find a new job before the end of Febuary because guess what!!!! ToysRUs is closing done... it fucking sucks I love working there even though it can be pretty damn hectic. I'm going to miss soooo many people there :( seriously sucks major ass....

Well I really don't know what's going on anymore. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away and I have no clue what I'm doing... It seems like people are annoyed with me or something and I don't even know what I did or if I even did anything. I also feel like people have been talking about me behind my back, but I'm not going to accuse anyone because I don't know if they are or not. I just want everything to be fixed. I hate when things get like this. I feel like it is all my fault, like I'm somehow causing everything. Idk maybe it is me that's doing everything... I guess I'll just give everyone their space and I guess try not to hangout as much because it doesn't seem like you want to hangout with me anymore. I just wish I knew why...

Alright I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm ready to get over it. All I need is to talk to you about some things and I will be done. I can't take feeling like shit constantly. I'm over it now I just wanna talk and straighten things out. Hopefully you'll go ahead and talk to me. Nothings going to change if we don't talk things out.